Paper Trail
by Delicious Poundcake
Summary: Post-game. The story of the next year at Bullworth Academy told through letters and notes. Features multiple pairings, liberal use of cheesy humour and Gord being utterly FABULOUS!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note:** This story will contain multiple pairings, both het and slash. If either offends/squicks you, then you might want to click the back button. Also Bully isn't mine blah blah everyone knows this bit already blah.

* * *

_(Scrawled on the back of a postcard from Vice City)_

Hey, Pete!

Vice is a craphole. It's like the whole place is stuck in the eighties or something and there are criminals and hobos everywhere. HA HA, JUST LIKE BULLWORTH! Mom has the worst taste in vacations. And husbands. And... everything. You remember that sweater she bought me for Christmas, right?

See you back at school in a week or so. Wish you were here (INSTEAD OF ME)!

- Jimmy

* * *

_(Scribbled on a scrap of lined paper left on Peter Kowalski's desk at home)_

TO DO BEFORE MONDAY:

- Finish packing trunk (need to find art supplies - ask mom if she's seen them)

- Buy stamps

- Make sure I have enough money to pay library fines

- Buy new school shirts (WHITE!)

* * *

Dear student,

I hope everyone had a wonderful vacation this year so that you'll all be mentally and physically prepared for the term ahead! With summer vacation rapidly drawing to a close, the faculty here at Bullworth Academy would like to remind you of a few minor changes to our rules for the upcoming school year.

- All students who are taking medication on a regular basis are required to fill out a series of forms to register what they are taking and how often they will need to take it. Please contact Miss Danvers in the school office if you will need these forms. Any student found disposing of their medication or otherwise neglecting to take it will be instantly expelled.

- Students may be aware of increased media attention on our school following certain unfortunate events last term. All Bullworth students are forbidden to talk to the press, pose for photographs, or otherwise engage with any journalists.

- The bell tower is structurally unsound and therefore strictly off limits.

Remember: these rules are here for the benefit of all of us here at the academy, and should be followed accordingly!

Any new students joining us this year are required to report to Miss Danvers on the first day for orientation. Returning students can pick up their class schedules from the office as usual. Don't forget to give a warm Bullworth welcome to our new students and teachers alike! Let's show them our remarkable school spirit - and don't forget to keep your noses clean!

With all the best for the year to come,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster

* * *

_(A series of notes scribbled on the back of pages torn from an English textbook)_

What are you looking at? You trying to start something?

- Kirby

---

STOP STARING AT ME, GAYLORD!

- Kirby

---

Trent. Seriously. Stop it or I'll have to whip you up a fresh batch of POUNDCAKE.

- Kirby

---

STOP BLOWING ME KISSES, YOU FUCKING FAG!!

- Kirby

---

Kirby,

I can't help it. You totally got even cuter over the summer, baby. How about we go bake some sweet, sweet poundcake together?

- Trent

---

What the HELL? THAT'S IT. AFTER CLASS IS DONE I'M KICKING YOUR ASS.

- Kirby

---

Thinking a LOT about my ass, huh?

- Trent

---

_(This note is accompanied by a crude sketch of a boy's head being punched off)_

YOU ARE SO FUCKING DEAD, TRENT!!

* * *

Dear Gary,

I wasn't really sure if I should write to you or not. I guess it can't hurt, though. Sorry for not doing this sooner.

We're back at school now. I guess you know that. Things here are the same as usual, pretty much... All the graffiti and stuff from the riot is gone and the skylight's been fixed, and the cliques are jerking each other around like usual. Trent and Kirby got busted for fighting already and we've only been back at school for a day! So much for everyone being united and stuff now, huh?

Wait, do you even want to hear about school stuff? I won't write about that if it just makes you feel worse. Although I thought you'd like to hear that some of the younger kids actually burst into tears if your name gets mentioned. It seems like the kind of thing you'd approve of. Anyway, just let me know what you'd like me to write about. Within reason, I mean.

What's it like in Happy Volts? I heard Johnny Vincent talking about it at the end of last year and he said it wasn't so bad. But that's Johnny, so he's probably just trying to sound tough or something. I hope you're doing okay. Even if it's alright in there, I bet it's still nice to get letters from outside, right? I know I'd want people to write if it was me stuck in there.

Not that you're like me or anything. I'm just saying that even someone like you probably likes getting mail in a place like that. It must be even worse than school, right? Ha ha!

Anyway, I probably shouldn't write too much or you'll get bored. Write back soon, okay? If you have time and stuff. I don't know what kind of schedule they have you on there.

Petey

* * *

_(From the school noticeboard)_

The school newspaper needs new writers! Do you have a passion for writing or photography? Perhaps you aspire to be a professional journalist someday? Do you like to gossip? Maybe your English grade just needs improving - in any case, a job at the Bullworth Bugle is for you!

Sign up on the sheet provided if you're interested and Mr. Galloway will contact you shortly.

_Constantinos Brakus_

_Melvin O'Connor_

_Beatrice Trudeau_

_Christy Martin_

_Angie Ng_

_Pedro De La Hoya_

* * *

_(Taped to a locker)_

Chad,

If you can't stop your stupid dog from attacking people, I'm going to have it turned into a pair of those puppy leather shoes you're so very fond of. Understand?

Thanks to your horrible little savage beast and his fangs, you owe me a new pair of pants. AQUABERRY PANTS.

- Tad

* * *

_(Scribbled on graph paper apparently ripped from a math book)_

What's the answer to question 8?

- Jimmy

---

2.518, I think. I'm not certain.

- Petey

---

Thanks, Petey! Got your Halloween costume yet? Me and Zoe are going as a priest and a nun and we're going to hang out around the old church. It's gonna be AWESOME!

- J

---

Not yet. I keep forgetting that I need to buy my own this year.

- Petey

---

Oh yeah. At least you don't have to look like a freak this time! You can wear whatever you want. Zoe says you should dress like an angel and come with us, ha ha!! Sound good?

- J

---

What the hell? I thought you just said I wouldn't have to look like a freak this year!

- Petey

* * *

_(A handwritten notice taped to the window of the Aquaberry boutique, as well as several other prominent locations in Old Bullworth Vale)_

Well, **hello** there!

Do you have trouble pairing up this season's fashions with your classic wardrobe staples?

Do you despair every time you look in the mirror?

Do you feel like just another unfabulous face in an endless sea of identical Bullworth uniforms?

Do you want to be complimented on your amazing dress sense each and every day, just like I am?

Then don't hesitate! Gord Vendome is waiting to help you look adorable RIGHT NOW! Enquire at Harrington House for further information!

(People unwilling to embrace their inner fabulousness need not apply.)

* * *

Hey. Someone told me you're dressing as a pirate for Halloween. That true?

- Ethan

---

Right. Same as always. Don't even THINK about stealing my idea, pinhead!

- Vance

---

Steal your idea? And be a sissy pirate? Yeah, RIGHT! Pirates suck! Ninjas are so much more kickass than pirates that it's not even funny.

- Ethan

---

Ninjas? You some kind of moron? Everyone knows pirates beat ninjas. I read it on the internet.

- Vance

---

Really? Well, I read about your MOM on the internet! OH YEAH!

- NINJA FREAKING MASTER ETHAN

---

It's like that, huh? Bring it, ninja boy! I'll show you who's best tonight! Prepare to walk the plank!

- PIRATE LORD VANCE WHO'S GOING TO KICK YOUR WUSSY NINJA BUTT

---

I accept your challenge! I'mma strike at you from the shadows with my kung-fu styles, loser! Get ready to kiss pavement!

- SUPER TEENAGE MUTANT NINJA SAMURAI ETHAN

* * *

Dear Student,

I hope you all had a good time this Halloween! Thank you once again to Ms. Philips for her work on the decorations. Her abstract painting of myself as the Pumpkin King is truly a work of brilliance; it is still able to be viewed in my office if anyone should wish to do so.

I would like to congratulate all the students who have managed to keep their noses clean so far this year! I am extremely proud of each of the three students who have not yet been issued with a detention this term. Keep up the excellent work!

On a less celebratory note, it is with my greatest regret that we must bid farewell to the math teacher, Mr. Woodcock, who is leaving us due to stress-related reasons. I would also like to introduce his replacement, Mr. Dickson. Please help him to feel welcome as he settles into our wonderful school.

Some additional amendments have been made to the school's code of conduct. Please ensure that all of you are familiar with these revisions, which take effect immediately.

- Bullworth students are now forbidden to come within thirty feet of the church in Old Bullworth Vale unless supervised by an adult. (Additionally, anyone with information on the mystery students seen performing highly inappropriate and sacrilegious acts in the church graveyard on Halloween night should please call the church hotline. You may remain anonymous if you wish.)

- Wearing costumes that offend religious or cultural sensibilities is banned.

- Wearing costumes meant to imitate a certain ex-student whilst simultaneously threatening to "take over the school" is banned.

- Wearing a "nudist costume" is banned.

- Staging fights on school grounds is not allowed, even if you ARE trying to solve the eternal query of whether pirates or ninjas are superior.

- A "Kick Me" sign does not constitute a legally binding contract.

Wishing you all a successful and productive winter,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster


	2. Chapter 2

Dear Gary,

Please answer my letters. I'm getting kind of worried (even though I know you're going to pick on me mercilessly forever for saying that). Please? I tried to call someone at the asylum yesterday, but the guy who picked up the phone said incoming calls to inmates were only accepted if they came from close family members. I tried calling back later and pretending to be your dad, but I couldn't remember his first name and the orderly guy said I sounded more like your mom anyway.

I bet you're laughing it up now, right? Unless you're all drugged up and can't read. I hope you're not.

Why won't you write me? Is it because you think I'm going to make you talk about last year? Because I won't! Unless you want to talk about it, but I doubt you will.

I don't really know what else to say. It's hard when I don't get anything back. Let me know if people are allowed to send you Christmas presents, okay?

from Petey

* * *

_(Written on high-quality paper embossed with the Harrington family crest)_

Derby,

Happy birthday. I apologise that your mother and I couldn't make it home in time to celebrate with you in person. Hopefully your present will make up for it.

To more important matters - I have been speaking with your uncle about our family tradition, and we both agree that the time is approaching for you and Pinky to make your engagement official now that you're of the right age. I trust you will respect our wishes on this. Enclosed with this letter is a cheque that should cover the cost of a suitable ring, plus any other expenses you should incur whilst securing your betrothal. As the holiday season is drawing near, might I suggest that marks an excellent opportunity for you to make your proposal?

Your mother and I eagerly await your letter before the new year.

Regards,

Father

* * *

_(Found screwed-up and partially ripped in the trash can inside Christy Martin's dorm room)_

Hello, readers, and welcome to another edition of the best problem page around: ASK AUNTIE CHRISTY! Tell me all your problems and I'll use my feminine know-how to help you solve them! Woo! Here's this month's exciting letter, drama fans!

**Dear Auntie Christy,**

**I have this friend, right, and he asked me to write in for him because he's totally embarrassed. This isn't MY problem. Just needed to make that clear. **

**Whatever. My friend's been having some THOUGHTS lately, and they're making him all confused. All guys have some weird thoughts about other guys sometimes, yeah? And it doesn't mean they're gay or anything. Even if they have those thoughts while fighting with a guy who's been flirting with them a lot. And then they imagine pinning him down and pulling off his shirt and wiping that stupid grin off his stupid blond face and... stuff?**

**That's totally not gay, right?**

**from Some Guy's Friend Because It's Not My Problem, Seriously**

Dear Some Guy's Friend,

Your friend is gayer than, like, a gay pride parade being held in Gaysville in the state of Gaytonia! DUH! It sounds like he's in some seeerious denial, too! Tell him to embrace his true nature (and take pictures)!

Lots of love,

"Auntie" Christy x x x

_(Scribbled at the bottom of the article in red marker pen)_

Christy, try and be more tactful. We can't put this in the paper as it is. Additionally, not every sentence has to end with an exclamation mark.

- Melvin

_(Underneath this is doodled a rather unflattering caricature of Melvin being strangled by a laughing girl with a ponytail.)_

* * *

Dear Gary,

Not answering my letters is bad enough, but I'm getting them back unopened now and it's seriously creeping me out. Is it you sending them back, or has something happened to you?

Not that I'll get an answer either way, I guess.

I've sent off an application for a visit, so maybe that'll make you read this? I just want to know if you're okay. Please? Come on, man!

- Petey

* * *

Gord -

Your father's a lawyer, correct? So he has a lot of contact with criminals and lowlifes and the like?

- Derby

---

Daddy is a prosecutor, so most of his contacts are at the opposite end of the legal spectrum. You know, the police and judges and all that. Why do you ask? Oh - if you're in the mood for slumming it a little, I can hook you up with some of my own _personal_ contacts. I assure you, they're very discreet!

- Gord

---

Gord?

You are a sick, depraved little deviant.

Your father's contacts could still be useful to me - perhaps even more useful than I had hoped. Arrange a meeting with him for me, would you? Though ask him to be discreet about it.

Not discreet for the same reason that your 'friends' are discreet, of course.

...God damn it, Gord.

- Derby

* * *

_(Transcript of the official minutes for the December Bullworth Bugle meeting, typed by Constantinos Brakus)_

**15:00 - ** First one here. Alone, as usual.

**15:20 - ** Still alone. This is so depressing.

**15:45 - ** Starting to think this is a prank or something. It's not funny. I HATE this school.

**15:55 - ** Melvin and Beatrice arrive after I'm done packing my things away. Apparently the meeting was delayed by an hour and nobody remembered to tell me. TYPICAL.

**16:00 - **Roll call. Christy Martin and Angie Ng absent, everyone else accounted for.

**16:05 - ** Melvin and Beatrice have in depth discussion on how flaky and unreliable Christy and Angie are.

**16:15 - ** Continued discussion on further character flaws of Christy, Angie and cheerleaders in general.

**16:25 - ** Christy and Angie now present. Subject of conversation hurriedly changed to articles for special holiday edition of the paper.

**16:27 - ** Christy reads minutes over my shoulder, gets offended.

**16:28 - **In-depth discussion of Melvin and Beatrice's flaws, both physical and mental.

**16:45 - ** Get spectacular migraine, made worse by constant screaming argument. Wonder which would be better: jumping out of the window, or pushing everyone else out of it.

**16:59 - ** Angie suggests we all calm down and talk about the newspaper. Motion carried.

**17:03 - ** Christy suggests we scrap the holiday theme and instead make this month's edition the "Melvin and Beatrice, like, totally suck hardcore" issue. Motion denied.

**17:10 - **Christy expresses hatred of the school because it "sucks so bad that it's gone beyond suck". Have to agree.

**17:11 - **Spirited debate on whether Gary Smith had the right idea after all, and if school ties make effective weapons for strangling people with. Very much intrigued by Christy's way of thinking.

**17:25 - ** Discussion of everything that's wrong with this school continues. Christy suggests cleansing with fire to be only viable option for reform.

**17:30 - **Totally in love right now.

**17:50 - ** Meeting adjourned. All writers come to consensus that we should just write whatever we want because nobody actually reads the school paper anyway. Everyone seems depressed. Hey, it's like I actually belong!

* * *

Dear Peter Kowalski,

We regret to inform you that your application for a visitation pass has been denied.

Wishing you good health this holiday season,

Mr. T Kazan

Happy Volts Asylum

* * *

_(Written on an extremely tacky, gaudy Christmas card)_

Dear James,

Have a happy Christmas! I hope you like your present. I remember you saying how much you loved that sweater I bought you last year, so your stepfather suggested that I should get you something to match. I hope they fit!

See you in the summer!

Love, Mom x

* * *

_(On an incredibly elegant and stylish card from Aquaberry's stationery range)_

Pinky,

There's something that we urgently need to discuss.

Happy holidays.

- Derby

* * *

_(On a card that plays "Jingle Bells" obnoxiously loudly when opened)_

Happy X-mas, Kirb!

- T

(Meet me behind the bleachers at midnight. Got a present for ya.)

* * *

To everyone on the newspaper team,

Have a happy Christmas or Hanukkah or, like, whatever. If you can muster any kind of glee in this dark and mirthless world, that is. Personally, I kind of think that the holiday season is a joyless and overcommercialised time that only encourages greed amongst those who celebrate it.

But, you know, happy holidays if you're into that kind of thing.

From Constantinos

* * *

_(On a handmade card - a sheet of lined paper ripped from a notebook and folded in half)_

HAPPY HOLLYDAYS JIMMY

FROM YOR PAL RUSSELL

* * *

Dear Student,

The holiday season is now upon us. Hopefully Santa will bring plenty of seasonal cheer for those of you who have been good this year! Ho ho ho!

Unfortunately, as ever, we have some students who seem hell-bent on ruining the festive spirit. Recent behaviour has made it necessary for me to once again make some additions to our school's code of conduct.

- Building "anatomically correct" snowmen is banned.

- Burying younger students in the snow and/or making them into 'living snowmen' is banned. (On that note, students may be happy to know that Sheldon is doing well in hospital after his ordeal, and is expected to regain the power of speech any day now. Happy holidays, Sheldon!)

- The snow plough is for the janitor's usage only. It is most assuredly NOT a toy.

- While we encourage students to decorate their dormitories as a valuable part of expressing their holiday spirit, pornographic images are NOT legitimate Christmas decorations. That does not change even if the images happen to incorporate Santa hats and the imaginative use of candy canes.

- Our school flag is a symbol of our spirit and dedication to learning! It is NOT acceptable for students to replace it with a pair of musical reindeer-printed underpants! (If anyone knows who committed this atrocity, please contact me or Miss Danvers with your information.)

It is also my sad duty to announce that Mr. Dickson will be leaving us this week due to an anxiety-related illness. Farewell to him, and welcome to his new replacement - Miss Bottomsley will be teaching you in his place when we return after the holidays!

Wishing you all a wonderful holiday and an exceptional new year,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster

* * *

_(On the back of a postcard depicting the Bullworth beach)_

Gary. Seeing as you rejected my visit and you're still not opening my letters, I guess using a postcard is the best way to make sure you at least glance at this one. It means other people can read it too, but you've not really given me a choice.

Please let me know you're alright! If you don't contact me soon, then I'll have to ask Jimmy to try and get hold of you somehow. You know, like how he managed to get in contact with Johnny Vincent and Mr. Galloway last year? I hear he didn't have any trouble getting a visitors pass.

- Petey

P.S. Happy Christmas.


	3. Chapter 3

DID YOU FUCKING TELL SOMEONE?!

- Kirby

---

What do you mean, baby?

- Trent

---

Don't call me BABY!

Did you tell anyone about that Christmas present you gave me? Because I think you DID. I'll kick your goddamn ass for this! Get ready to eat your poundcake!!

- Kirby

---

I didn't tell anyone. Relax.

- Trent

---

Then how does that Angie girl know? BECAUSE SHE DOES!! She giggles every time she says anything to me. YOU'RE the only one who could've told her!

- Kirby

---

Angie giggles at EVERYTHING, dill-weed. Watch her next time Galloway asks her a question.

- Trent

---

Oh.

My bad.

- Kirby

---

How's about you make it up to me sometime, huh? Show the Trent-man how sorry you are?

- Trent

---

Don't push it, girly!

- Kirby

* * *

_(Taped to Earnest Jones' locker, smelling faintly of perfume)_

Earnest,

I have a confession to make. I'm hopelessly in love with you, you gorgeous hunk of a man! I've tried to hide my feelings for so long, but it's getting too difficult. My head says that you'd never be interested in a girl like me, but my heart says I should at least let you know how I feel!

If you wish to learn my identity, meet me inside the gym on Friday night after curfew. Make sure you come alone, my darling! I wish for this special moment to be just between us!

Yours in hope and in love,

Your Secret Admirer

x x x x x

(P.S. - Be sure you wear your best underwear, my sweet!)

* * *

_(From the mailbox used to collect letters for the "Ask Auntie Christy" newspaper column)_

Dear Auntie Christy,

I think my girl's cheating on me. I mean, it's happened before, but it still hurts, you know? Just knowing another guy's laying his hands on my woman...

I THINK it's another guy, anyway.

Anyway, I was kinda wondering how you'd deal with this sorta thing. I usually just beat up the guy who's been getting his filthy paws on my queen, but I was thinking you might know a different way of doing it.

Especially if it AIN'T a guy she's seeing. Oh, man...

- Anon

_(In pink marker, scrawled along the bottom of the page)_ - **OMG! Lola is cheating AGAIN?! That total skank! Must ask Angie if she's heard anything! **

Dear Christy,

What's the best way to tell a girl you like her? I need some tips from someone who isn't consumed by their own self-hatred. Any tips on not coming across as creepy and depressing would be much appreciated. You know, if that's even possible. I'm not holding out much hope.

From "Creepy and Depressing"

_(In pink marker)_ **What a DRAG! Is there even a way to answer this without yelling at him for being weird and desperate?? Eww. I wonder who wrote it!**

* * *

Dearest darling Femme-boy,

Congratu-fucking-lations. You've got my undivided attention. Pissed your pants in girlish glee yet? Go change, I'll wait.

Done?

Take a hint, princess, and get lost. What's your problem? I don't want your pity, I don't want your whining, I don't want your moronic letters. Most people would've got that by now. Why are you so intent on bothering me, little Petey? Don't you have good old Jimmy-boy to pester? Or has he left you all by yourself again?

I bet that's it. Precious perfect King Jimmy is busy with other people and you're just sad, lonely little Pete who cries himself to sleep at night remembering the only person who ever paid any attention to him. BOO-FUCKING-HOO.

The truth hurts, moron. You know I'm alive, now leave me the hell alone.

Love and snuggles,

Gary

* * *

_(A slightly rumpled photocopy of a handwritten letter, apparently copied and sent to several people)_

My fellow intellectuals!

As many of you will already be aware, I was recently the victim of a foul injustice: a fiendishly cruel prank perpetrated by none other than those meat-headed jocks. It shames me to admit that I was taken in by their horrible scheme - I believe there is no need to go into further detail within this missive (though my thanks go out to Algie, who freed me from the locker and let me borrow his spare shorts so I could leave the gym with a portion of my dignity still intact).

Can we allow this to stand, my friends? Can we truly permit those testosterone-addled fools to rejoice in the knowledge that they have struck a grave blow against us as a group?

NO, WE CAN NOT!

Therefore I propose a raid of some kind on their territory in order to exact our vengeance. Perhaps the clubhouse they're so very fond of? I am calling an official meeting in the observatory on Friday for us to discuss our revenge in greater detail. Snacks will be provided.

Remember, my friends: a blow against me is a blow against us all!

Earnest

* * *

Fancy meeting up tonight? I got a craving for poundcake. - Trent

---

THAT DOES NOT MEAN WHAT YOU THINK IT MEANS. Quit making it sound so GAY!

But sure. Meet you in the clubhouse out by the field? AND DON'T TELL ANYONE! - Kirby

---

I know the deal, Kirb. Your turn to bring me a present this time. I like presents. - Trent

* * *

_(Written on a page from Beatrice Trudeau's private journal)_

My goodness, this was an even more eventful evening than I had first anticipated! All the astronomy club gathered for a meeting about what happened to poor Earnest (oh, he seems so traumatised! Not that I can blame him; being stripped and shut in a locker by the jocks sounds like a terrible experience. Though I did have a dream once that was kind of similar...). We decided that causing some chaos at their clubhouse would probably be the best course of action - Melvin said it would be a good way of sending a message without having to get into a direct confrontation, like the time when we were playing Grottos and Gremlins and our party got into a spat with the government of Eviltopia.

I digress, dear journal! Anyway, we all gathered our things and marched down to the clubhouse. It was so dramatic! I almost felt like Joan of Arc riding out to bring down holy justice on her enemies. Except, you know, Joan of Arc had visions and I have cold-sores. Curse them. As I was saying, when we got to the clubhouse, Thad and Bucky started arguing about how to pick the lock. Then we heard a noise coming from inside!

Algernon got a bit worried then because he thought there might be someone inside. So we spent ten minutes or so arguing about whether we should go ahead with Operation: Get Back At Those Mean Jocks, but by the time we'd finished the noises had stopped. Fatty rammed the door open, and guess what was there?

A pile of clothes, journal! A boy's clothes! There was one of those sweaters with a letter on it that the jocks sometimes wear, and pants and shoes and even his underthings! Oh my gosh, it was so embarrassing. Cornelius and I both blushed so deeply that I was scared that someone would see the red glow from outside!

After that, we just left. We decided not to mess anything up after all, because Earnest pointed out that now there was a jock running around campus naked and that made things even. Very altruistic of him, I think!

I wonder who it was and why they were there, journal... Such an intriguing mystery!

* * *

I got the stuff we needed for later. Did you buy yours yet?

- Zoe

---

Yeah, got it. Mr. Oh even gave me a free Volcano 9000-x experimental edition for being such a valued customer. This is gonna be the best Valentines day EVER!

- Jimmy

---

KICK ASS!! Hey, is Pete still sick?

- Zoe

---

He looked a little better this morning, but yeah. Still sick. He might feel better by Valentines, though.

Should we get extra fireworks, just in case?

- Jimmy

---

Why not? It isn't like they'll go to waste!

- Zoe

* * *

Derby,

I thought I made it perfectly clear what was expected of you. I have been informed that you bought Pinky a _scarf_ this Christmas. A scarf is most certainly not a satisfactory engagement gift!

I understand that you must be busy with schoolwork, but I am rapidly running out of patience. The Harrington family is nothing without our proud traditions, and I refuse to allow any son of mine to besmirch our honour!

You have until Valentine's Day. Do _not_ disappoint me, Derby.

Regards,

Father

* * *

Dear Gary,

I'd have only worried about you even more if you'd sent a nice letter, I guess. At least I know you're not a vegetable too drugged up to even write anything now.

I've filled out another visiting form. Please don't reject this one, okay? If you still want me to leave you alone after the visit, I'll do that.

If nothing else, letting me come and see you means you'll get to insult me in person. Just like old times, right?

- Petey

* * *

You can't ignore me forever, Kirb.

- Trent

---

KIRBY. It wasn't my fault! It was the nerds! They didn't see nothing or they'd have told everyone in school by now. Want me to beat them all up? Just in case? - T

---

Come on, how can you resist this face? Talk to me! Look at me! ANYTHING! - T

* * *

_(Written on a cheap Valentine's card with two bears hugging on the front. The bears have had moustaches drawn on them in black marker pen.)_

Jimmy,

Roses are red

Violets are blue

I like smashing

Stuff up with you!

Happy Valentines, ya big lug!

Luv Zoe

x

* * *

_(On a hugely extravagant card with flashing lights on the front, covered in hearts)_

Kirby!

If this doesn't get your attention, NOTHING will! Quit ignoring me, dill-weed!!

Don't you want your Valentines present?

- You know who

* * *

_(On a very classy-looking and expensive Valentines card)_

Gord,

You sexy beast! I know I've been slutting around lately, but everyone knows you're the one for me! Let's get married, here and now. Imagine how FABULOUS our children would be!

Love, kisses and unmentionables,

Gord.

(Oh, I'm so NAUGHTY!)

* * *

_(On a sickeningly cute and old-fashioned card)_

Dear Dr. Crabblesnitch,

I live in eternal hope that one day you will notice my affections and appreciate me as much as you appreciate a strong cup of tea at the start of a new school day. If only you would allow me to do more for you than merely file your paperwork!

Forever yours,

?

* * *

_(On a handmade card, cut into a squat heart shape)_

Hey Zoe,

If you turn this card upside down, it kind of looks like a butt. Which is appropriate, 'cause yours is awesome.

Who said romance was dead?

Love,

Mr. Burton

(OK IT'S JIMMY DON'T KILL ME)

* * *

_(On an oddly greasy and slimy card covered in grimy fingerprints)_

Dearest Wattsie,

HAPPY VALLY'S DAY!! It's been a long time since we hooked up, sweetcheeks, so why not give me a call? No need to be coy! I'm always happy to help you with a little EXPERIMENTATION!!

Edna

x x x x x x

* * *

Christy,

Happy Valentines Day. You know, if you like that kind of thing. Some people find it pretty depressing because they don't get a lot of valentines. Not that I think you won't get lots of valentines or anything.

Anyway, have a good one.

- ?

* * *

Dear Peter Kowalski,

Please find enclosed with this letter a visitor's pass and appointment card for your scheduled visit. Please bring both items as well as a valid form of identification with you when your appointment is due.

Hoping you are in good health,

Mr. T Kazan

Happy Volts Asylum

* * *

Derby,

I have it on good authority from the Gauthiers that their daughter did not even receive a _card_ from you this week, let alone anything else that we discussed.

Explain yourself. This level of disobedience will _not_ be tolerated! I hope it will not be necessary for me to visit you in person, but I shall take whatever steps are necessary to preserve the good Harrington family name.

I expect your reply promptly.

Father

* * *

Dear father,

I'm afraid that you are, in fact, correct. Pinky did not receive a Valentine from me this year. There are two reasons for this:

- Her boyfriend wouldn't have been very happy about it,

- Neither would _mine._

Now, father, before you begin bringing down your wrath upon my head and disinheriting everyone in sight I suggest that you wait and find out what I did with the money you sent me. You remember - the cheque you sent me that I was supposed to spend on a ring? I didn't. Obviously. Instead, I decided that the money would be put to better use financing a rather marvellous private detective who could do a little digging into the "good Harrington family name".

His findings were most interesting, as I'm sure you can imagine only too well. There were a multitude of things he discovered that could complicate things with the tax office and your business partners, as well as some rather disturbing information that could make your personal life _very_ awkward indeed.

_I know about the llamas, daddy._

I'm sure you wouldn't want any of this rather sensitive information to be made public, of course. A lot of people would get very, very upset indeed. So, if I might be so bold as to make a suggestion - why don't you break the news to Uncle Gauthier about dissolving the old family tradition in the name of progressiveness? I think he'd take it a lot better coming from you. I imagine the conversation could prove to be a difficult one, but you know how it is... Anything to preserve the Harrington family reputation, yes?

See you in the Summer! Give my love to mother (and the llamas)!

Love, Derby

(P.S. - Mr. Taylor's son Bif sends his warmest regards. From my _bed_.)

* * *

Dear Student,

Spring is almost here! Let's try and all work together to make it even better than the winter has been! The weather may be getting warmer once more, but that's no excuse to slack off from your studies or resort to delinquency.

A few small announcements:

- Any student found in possession of fireworks or other explosives will be subject to instant suspension, likely followed by expulsion. (If anyone knows the identity of the students who set up the firework display on the front steps, CONTACT ME IMMEDIATELY. Those little miscreants owe me a new toupee).

- Miss Danvers would like me to remind you all that the fire alarms are _only_ to be pulled in the event of a fire. Seeing Dr. Watts light a Bunsen burner is _not_ such an event.

- Neither is seeing another student light a cigarette. Simply report these rule-breakers to your nearest prefect, please.

- Students should note that the presence of a giant firework display setting fire to everything within a twenty-foot radius of the school steps IS, however, grounds to pull the fire alarm. (Again, anyone with information on this matter will be handsomely rewarded.)

Students are also advised to bid farewell to math teacher Miss Bottomsley, who unfortunately handed in her resignation this week. I shall be assuming the duty of teaching math until a more permanent replacement can be found - be sure to keep your noses clean in my class, children!

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster


	4. Chapter 4

Petey - are you OK? You look sick again. Worse than last time.

- Jimmy

---

I'm fine. Really.

- Petey

---

You sure? No offense, man, but you've been looking like crap for DAYS now. Go see Nurse MacRae! It'll get you out of gym!

- Jimmy

---

Honest, I'm fine. Just not getting a lot of sleep, that's all.

- Petey

---

Not sleeping? Is someone picking on you? 'Cause I'd be happy to teach them some manners if they ARE. Who is it?

- Jimmy

---

No, nobody's being a jerk or anything! Really, I'm okay. I just need a rest, that's all.

Thanks, Jimmy.

- Petey

---

You sure? Just let me know if you need help.

- Jimmy

* * *

_(Pinned to the noticeboards throughout campus)_

Students will unfortunately be required to purchase their meals off-campus for the remainder of this week. The animal that provided the meat for Edna's Special Secret Stew has apparently become extinct.

- Miss Danvers

* * *

Russell, darling. You're totally rocking the Aquaberry! It looks divine on you. Glad to see you took my advice!

- Gord

---

RUSSELL THINK SWEATER IS ITCHY.

---

Oh, but that's simply the price you pay when you want to wear genuine mohair, silly!

...Well, that and the actual monetary price. Which is considerable. But it's sooooo worth it, wouldn't you say?

- Gord

---

RUSSELL HAD TO TAKE MENY KIDS LUNCH MUNNEYS TO BUY FLUFY SWEATER.

---

That's... wonderful. Really.

You know, if you're discovering a new interest in fashion, you could always pay a visit to my place and take a look at my collection of expensive clothes... I doubt they'd fit you exactly, but I'm sure we'd find something that would please you in some way!

- Gord

---

RUSSELL WOULD LIKE.

---

Oh, darling, you have NO idea!

- Gord

* * *

Dear Gary,

I'm sorry. I didn't know how horrible it was going to be in there. I didn't mean to clam up like that, it just freaked me out and I couldn't breathe right and how do you stand it?! It's worse than a prison! It's worse than Bullworth!

You were joking when you said they gave you electric shocks every day, right? And about the straitjacket and restraints and all that stuff? They don't really do that?

I know I said I'd stop writing if you let me visit, but you never confirmed that's what you wanted while I was there. So, you know... Do you still want me to leave you alone? Because I guess maybe you might have changed your mind or something. Seeing as you didn't try to stab me while I was there or anything.

Petey

* * *

Constantinos -

Ted says practice starts an hour later tomorrow. Just letting you know because of, like, your mascot duties and stuff! Someone probably already told you, but whatever!

- Christy

---

Nobody else let me know. Which is fine, I'm used to being ignored. Don't mind me.

Thanks for telling me.

- Const

---

Welcome! Say, your handwriting looks TOTALLY familiar!

- Christy

---

OMG!!! WAIT! IT'S YOU! YOU'RE CREEPY & DEPRESSING!!!

- Christy

---

Gee, thanks.

- Const

---

Noooo, not like THAT! DUH. You sent me a 'Dear Auntie Christy' letter! From 'CREEPY & DEPRESSING'! You are SO TOTALLY BUSTED!!!

- Christy

---

OMG, who are you crushing on? TELL ME!

- Christy

---

Eww eww eww! If it's Beatrice, I'm gonna PUKE!

- Christy

---

I can throw notes at you all day, you know! Nothing gets in between me and my gossip!

- Christy

---

FINE! I like making up my own rumours more than spreading true ones, anyway. BUT I WILL FIND OUT! NOBODY CAN HIDE FROM CHRISTY MARTIN'S EXPERT GAZE!

- Christy (I'LL BE WATCHING YOU!!)

* * *

Petey, Petey, PETEY!

I'd forgotten how teeny you are, GOD. Look at you! Did you grow at all since last summer, Pete? I swear you actually got SHORTER. And girlier. Seriously. We have a guy here who thinks he's Queen Elizabeth of England and even HE'S not as femmey as you!

Hey, I know. Maybe you should write to him too and ask to borrow one of his dresses! Then you can share make-up tips and do each others' nails and have girly sleepovers. You'll have a BLAST.

Anyway, you can keep bothering me with your inane mail if you want. I might even write back if I get bored enough. Then you can add all my letters to the "I love Gary" scrapbook you keep tucked under your pillow or kiss them goodnight or whatever it is that lonely little girls do with stuff like that. Awww!

By the way - don't think I didn't notice you asking about restraints and straitjackets and torture and all that in your letter, Petey. That kind of thing turns you on, huh? You get all hot and bothered thinking about it? I bet you do... God, I'd never have guessed you'd be into S&M. You filthy little perv, no wonder you were so eager for me to write you...

- Gary

P.S. Next time I go for shock therapy, I'll think of you!

* * *

Dear Gary,

Thanks a LOT. After I read your letter I went and asked Jimmy what S&M was and Zoe nearly punctured a lung laughing. When I couldn't get an answer from them, I went to try and look it up in the library instead. Then the librarian saw I was having trouble and she offered to help me research it using the school's internet connection.

YOU ARE SUCH A JERK!

I'm banned from the school library for LIFE! I think Ms. Carvin even told Dr. Crabblesnitch, because he keeps looking at me all weird and mumbling about 'deviant pursuits'. What the HELL, Gary? How do you even know what this stuff is?! And why am I still writing to you?!

- Petey

* * *

Come on, Kirby, you can't STILL be mad.

- Trent

---

You can't ignore me forever, Kirb! ANSWER ME, DILL-WEED!

- Trent

---

What, you want me to beg? I'm a star, baby, and stars don't beg to get what we want. We make a scene.

- Trent

---

Alright. You had your chance, Kirb! Don't blame me if I have to do something drastic!

- Trent

* * *

Dear Student,

**Important Announcement**

Students are reminded that _this is a place of learning!_ Whilst up until now there has been a degree of leniency in our rules regarding fraternisation, a recent flagrant disregardal of protocol means we have had to re-evaluate the aforementioned guidelines.

All students are required to read and memorise the following school rules:

- All so-called 'public displays of affection' are heavily discouraged. Prefects may use their own discretion on this matter, but as a general guide: a friendly kiss on the cheek may be tolerated. Lifting another student into the air and screaming "I love you, (Name of Student)" whilst carrying them past every classroom on campus is _far less acceptable._

- The football field is, as the name would imply, for _playing football._ Other usage, no matter how creative, is utterly forbidden. _Playing football requires wearing clothes._

- Kissing in the staffroom and/or Dr. Crabblesnitch's office whilst waiting to be reprimanded is _not allowed._

- Nor is kissing _whilst_ being reprimanded.

That will be all, students. Please remember to wish Dr. Crabblesnitch a swift recovery from his ordeal should you get the opportunity to visit him in the hospital. I'm sure he would appreciate your support. Math class will, unfortunately, be cancelled until further notice.

Miss Danvers

Acting Headmistress

* * *

Dear Dr. Crabblesnitch,

We're sorry. We just thought you was coughing and stuff. How was we to know it was a heart attack?

Get well soon,

Trent Northwick and Kirby Olsen


	5. Chapter 5

Lady Patricia of the Kowalskis,

This message arrives bearing the gravest of news. I fear that your beloved Lord Gary of Geniusville is dead, killed thanks to a chronic overdose of boredom.

Perhaps you would care to visit his ravaged, festering corpse and sob quietly into your skirts whilst contemplating what could have been if only he wasn't tragically struck down in the prime of his youth?

- The gravedigger, Ye Olde Happy Volts Chapel of Rest

* * *

Dear Gary,

If you wanted an extra visit this week, all you had to do was ASK.

I don't have class on Wednesday afternoon, so I'll see you then. I'll also see if I can smuggle in that stuff you wanted, okay? I hope I can fit the chocolate under my sweater without it looking really obvious.

- Petey

* * *

Angie. Sweetie. I thought we agreed that the glasses I picked out for you were far superior to your usual pair. Why aren't you wearing them?

- Gord

---

I need to get them changed to fit my prescription. Otherwise I won't be able to see in them!

- Angie

---

But it's such a shame! Though I'm glad you're wearing the shoes I recommended. They are SO YOU!

- Gord

---

Thanks! Kirby said he liked them, too!

- Angie

---

Oh, you look so CUTE when you blush like that! So deliciously corruptable!

- Gord

---

What? I don't get it.

- Angie

---

Never mind. And remember, if you'd like any further fashion consultations you need only ask! I'm sure I could arrange a private one-on-one appointment for you at some point... Think about it?

- Gord

* * *

_(Taped to lamp-posts and trees throughout Bullworth)_

LOST. One dog, answers to Chester.

Substantial reward offered for safe return! Last seen in Old Bullworth Vale.

Contact Chad Morris c/o Bullworth Academy ASAP if found.

* * *

You look tooootally depressed today. Like, even more than usual! Know what'd make you feel better? Telling me ALL about it.

- Christy

---

You noticed? Well, earlier this morning Troy gave me a swirlie, which was just great, then I was late for geography class because I had to go dry off. So Mr. Matthews gave me detention and the lawnmower broke down while I was trying to cut the grass as punishment. Then I was sent to help Edna in the kitchens seeing as I couldn't do the FIRST detention and I think that traumatised me for life. Especially since I had to eat the food I'd seen her make. Do you know what goes into her chicken surprise? Because it's NOT CHICKEN. I hate this school.

- Const

---

Er, that's like totally awesome I guess, but I was thinking you were depressed because of your girl troubles! Are you going to tell me who you're moping about yet? Come on, I promise I won't tell anyone. And if I DO tell someone it'll totally be by accident. Yeah. And if you can't tell ME, how can you tell her? It'll make good practice!

- Christy

---

Great, now I feel depressed AND awkward.

- Const

---

Why would that make you feel awkward? START MAKING SENSE!

- Christy

---

Wait! OMG.

**OMG.**

**OMG.**

We TOOOTALLY need to talk after class!!!

- Christy

* * *

Petey,

Still traumatised after getting frisked on your last visit? You'd better not stop coming to see me just because of that. Don't be such a girl about it, it's not like they gave you a full cavity search.

...Unless they DID. Oh man, this is GOLD! Where did the bad men touch you, little Petey? You should've seen your face!

But seriously, don't sweat it. If you feel like your innocence got tainted or something girly like that, I have some pretty incredible revenge plans for some of the guys in here that I plan on carrying out the moment I get out of this dump. We can do Mr. Wandering Hands McFrisky first, if you want. Yeah, he'll get it good... Only I get to pick on you and get away with it.

Just don't take that the wrong way, you fucking girl!

- Gary

* * *

Chad. Excellent news. I found your fleabitten mongrel, so would you kindly come over to my house after class to take it back? And for God's sake, chain it up with something it can't chew through this time!

- Tad

---

You found Chester?!

Thank you SO much! You have no idea how worried I've been. Where was he?

- Chad

---

I didn't find him, he found ME. I was walking home and the horrible creature jumped out of the bushes and clamped his vile jaws around my leg.

You owe me another pair of Aquaberry pants now, by the way.

- Tad

* * *

_(On a page torn from the "Bullworth Bugle" school newspaper)_

**Hell's Kitchen: Edna Speaks Out!**

What really goes into the goop that gets served up in the cafeteria every day? Ace reporters Melvin O'Connor and Pedro De La Hoya get the inside scoop with this exclusive interview! Not for the faint hearted!

**Bullworth Bugle:** Edna, thanks for agreeing to speak with us today!

**Edna:** You're welcome, kids, now hurry it up. I got stuff to do!

**BB:** Alright. Firstly, is there any truth to the rumours that your Magical Mystery Bake is actually made up of ten percent panda meat?

**E:** Who told you that?

**BB:** Our sources are confidential, ma'am.

**E:** Yeah? And my _sauces_ are confidential! Ahahahaha! [takes a drag on her cigarette] I've been advised not to answer any questions about what actually goes into my dishes. Next question!

**BB:** Ah. Actually, most of our questions are about what goes into your food...

**E:** Eh? I got the impression this was going to be an interview about ME, not my meals! You know, you write a feature on the school's most eligible bachelorette, drum up some interest, make Wattsie all jealous...

**BB:** Wattsie?

**E:** Then he'd come to me and _beg_ me to take him back, and I'd caress his smooth bald head and- Huh?

**BB:** And...?

**E:** Never you mind! [Protracted coughing fit] Ah, that's better. Get the mucus flowing, hahaha! Well, I guess you punks can ask me a _couple_ of questions about my recipes. I gotta keep some of my trade secrets for the book.

**BB:** The book?

**E:** Yeah, my book! _Edna's Guide to Cooking on a Budget_. It's going to be a smash hit - the health inspector already put in an advance order for a copy!

**BB:** Uh, right. Thanks. Firstly, about the ice cream you serve sometimes - what flavour is it supposed to be?

**E:** Ice cream?

**BB:** Yeah. You served up a big batch of it yesterday.

**E:** That's mashed potatoes! You kids got somethin' wrong with your tastebuds?

**BB:** But they're served cold!

**E:** What you complaining for? It's... how they do it in Europe. Yeah.

**BB:** Okay... A few weeks ago, allegations were made that one student found a cat collar in his stew. Care to comment?

**E:** Uh. Is cooking cats, y'know... Illegal?

**BB:** I believe that killing any pet animal is against animal cruelty laws, but I'd have to check.

**E:** Then those rumours are false, and I'll _puree_ any little punk I catch spreadin' them! NEXT!

**BB:** I think we've bothered you enough for now. Oh, wait! Lastly, what would you say is the secret to good flavour?

**E:** Well, let's see... Putting my blood, sweat and tears into every dish I make. As well as any other bodily fluids I can scrounge up! Wahahahahaa!

* * *

Petey,

DON'T FORGET THAT I'M BEING RELEASED THIS WEEKEND. If you're not there when they let me out then I'll actually have to interact with my parents. Do you know what that means? It means I'll get irritated by their idiotic babble, stab them both in the face, escape from the cops after a protracted gunfight whilst armed only with a makeshift slingshot, go on a mad rampage throughout Bullworth, make my way to the school whilst killing everyone in my path and THEN I'll kick your ass for forgetting to fucking meet me.

Do you want that many deaths on your conscience, Pete? Do you really?

- Gary

* * *

Petey. You free after school today? I gotta tell you something.

- Jimmy

---

If it's quick! Like I told you, a friend came to visit this weekend. I was going to go see him after class, he's been by himself all day.

- Petey

---

It's important. Can your buddy wait?

- Jimmy

---

You're worrying me now! What's wrong?

- Petey

---

STAY CALM, OK?

Zoe was in town this morning and she thinks she saw Gary Smith.

DON'T WORRY. If she's right and he's back, we can sort it. I wasn't even gonna say anything, but Zoe said you might run into him and freak out.

You want me to come with you when you go see your friend, just in case? Me and Zoe were going to the fair anyway, so you could both tag along.

- Jimmy

---

Zoe saw Gary?

Is she sure?

- P

---

I said DON'T WORRY. Just relax, it's not like he's gonna try anything.

- Jimmy

---

Petey, CALM DOWN. You look like you're gonna throw up. We can get Russell to be your bodyguard or something if you're that scared. If he's not too busy playing dress-up with Gord, anyways...

- Jimmy

---

I need to talk to you as soon as class is done.

- Petey

---

OK. What about your friend?

- Jimmy

---

He can wait.

- Petey

* * *

_(Written on a page from Beatrice Trudeau's private journal)_

Oh, that Jimmy Hopkins is so dreamy! Especially when he's angry. He looks so primal and tough and solid, and his jaw twitches a little and his eyes get so stormy and intense...

Oh, Jimmy!

He was like that today, journal. It was frightening, yet simply breathtaking to behold! He was shouting at his friend Peter - really shouting, not just being loud and rambunctious like boys sometimes get. Poor little Peter looked quite upset, of course, but Jimmy kept yelling and getting more and more out of control. Then that horrible Zoe girl said something, but Jimmy ignored her and started walking closer to Peter and I honestly thought he was going to punch him!

The prefects must have thought the same thing, I suppose, because two of them suddenly came running and tackled him onto the floor. Oh, my poor misunderstood love! It isn't his fault that his passionate nature sometimes gets the better of him! I hope the prefects didn't treat him too roughly. Ah, if only I could comfort him and make him feel better in the way I'd like... Curse that Zoe Taylor!

I must go now, dear journal, to the last newspaper committee meeting of the year. I must admit, I'm rather relieved that it's almost over - the meetings have been almost unbearable since Constantinos and that brainless cheerleader started making eyes at each other all the time. It's positively sickening! If only Jimmy Hopkins would look at me like that...

Oh, life can be so unfair!

* * *

Zoe,

Please would you let Jimmy know that he doesn't have to do any more detentions? I spoke to Dr. Crabblesnitch about it and sorted everything out.

- Petey

---

Sure thing.

What the fuck were you playing at, Pete? Did you, you know, sleep through everything that happened last year? That's the only reason I can think of for you wanting to actually hang out with that psycho.

- Zoe

---

I've known Gary since we were little kids. We're friends! I can't abandon a friend, no matter how crazy they get. And he's not so bad when he's not flushing all his meds, you know.

- Petey

---

Friend. Right. Except according to what Jimmy says, and from what I remember from before I got expelled, he always treated you like crap. You looked up 'friend' in the dictionary lately?

- Zoe

---

It's not like that. Gary's a jerk sometimes, maybe ALL the time, but that's just how he is. It's not like we never had fun! When Jimmy first came here all three of us were friends for a while. I wasn't expecting things to go back to that or anything, but I thought Jimmy might kind of get used to the idea...

Will you just tell him I'm sorry? Please?

- Petey

---

I'll tell him, but don't count on it getting you anywhere. It's like you betrayed him, you know? He already had his fair share of that B.S. from Gary last year, for fuck's sake.

- Zoe

---

I didn't betray anyone! All I've done is be friends with Jimmy AND Gary!

I thought you'd understand. Weren't you friends with Edgar and Jimmy at the same time when they were fighting last year?

- Petey

---

That's different. Me and Jimmy were DATING. Kinda. It's different when you like someone in that way.

- Zoe

---

What you blushing for? Don't start ignoring me now, I'm not done with you yet!

- Zoe

---

Oh God.

You cannot be fucking serious.

- Zoe

---

I don't know what you mean.

- Petey

---

Yeah, I BET you don't.

For fuck's sake, it's like everyone at this crazy school is gay or something.

- Zoe

---

Wait, I never said anything like that! I don't know what you're talking about! Don't be WEIRD!

- Petey

---

Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, I'll talk to Jim, OK?

- Zoe

* * *

Dear Student,

First of all, I would like to thank everyone who wished me well during my recent stay in hospital. I'm very glad I was able to see you all again before the summer vacation!

As the school year draws to a close once more, I cannot help but feel a level of sadness. To those of you who will not be returning to Bullworth next year, I wish you the best of luck for the future in all your endeavours. Remember to keep your noses clean even though you won't have to answer to me anymore! I'm sure you will all prove to be a credit to Bullworth Academy in the years to come.

On a more jovial note, here are the school's achievements for the year! Remember, none of this would be possible without each and every one of you and your marvellous school spirit!

- **The Bullworth Bulls** have managed to win an astounding _ twenty percent_ of their games this year! Well done, team!

- Congratulations also go out to the school **Glee Club**, who managed to raise $12.83 towards the bell tower restoration with their carol-singing fundraiser this Christmas. Excellent work!

- **A new record!** The emergency services only needed to be called to the school thirty-six times this year - a new personal best for the pupils here at Bullworth. Give yourselves a pat on the back and let's see if we can make the number even smaller next time!

Such a magnificent display of school spirit, don't you all think? I am very proud of each and every one of you! One student in particular has instilled particular pride in me, however. Due to our problems with sourcing reliable teachers this year, a sizeable proportion of you have failed to pass math class. Earnest Jones has kindly offered to teach students any material they may have missed throughout the year, as long as all pupils address him as "sir" at all times.

That's enough from me - I'm sure you're all eager to commence your vacation. Again, farewell to those who are heading for pastures new. To those who shall be returning to our glorious institution - have a thoroughly enjoyable summer! I shall see you all again in the fall!

Wishing you all the very best,

Dr. Crabblesnitch

Headmaster

* * *

Petey

We're having a party to celebrate now that school's out and stuff. Zoe had a talk with me and... Yeah. If you want to come, it's at the beach house. I know you're not much of a party guy, but it's nothing big - just a few friends, you know? 'Cause friends are important and all that junk. And if you want to bring a friend with you when you come over, that's fine too. As long as you keep an eye on him and I don't have to talk to him or anything.

See you there, right?

Your friend,

Jimmy

* * *

**Author's note:** The end. On a slightly sappy note and everything. XD

Thank you to anyone who's been reading, faving, reviewing or any of that stuff! You make me happy. CAPSLOCK HAPPY. THAT'S THE BEST KIND OF HAPPINESS, YOU GUYS.


End file.
